Because we want to demonstrate our commitment to your privacy, we have agreed to disclose our information practices and have our privacy practices reviewed and audited for compliance. In keeping with this statement, we hereby notify you of the following practices:

• What information this site gathers/tracks about you: None.
• What this site does with the information it gathers/tracks: Nothing. We're not smart enough. Even if we did gather/track information about you, we'd probably lay it down somewhere and forget where it is. Our office is a mess.
• With whom we share the information we gathers/track: See above. We never learned to share. We're "practicing" Christians and we haven't gotten it down yet.
• Our "opt-out" policy: You can opt out at any time. Go ahead. We're sorry to see you go, but we're not gonna stop you.
• Our policy on correcting and updating personally identifiable information: Are you kidding? We can't even remember to bring cookies on the day we're supposed to run Coffee Hour (the 8th sacrament), and you think we're gonna correct and update stuff we've collected about you? We probably don't even have the correct Rector's picture on the site. It's probably a picture of Mr. Irving from the very first web site (which was drawn on parchment and wasn't particularly world-wide in any way).
• Our policy on deleting or deactivating your name from our database: We lost the database last July while we were at the beach. We're hoping it eventually turns up in the bottom of a bag or maybe the cooler, which by now must really be funky.

As an organization that frequently advises people on spiritual and ethical matters, we believe it is important to practice what we preach. We believe that people have a keen interest in privacy. We also believe that by disclosing a Web site's data policy, organizations can proactively address this concern and gain people's confidence. People's confidence is of critical importance; once people are confident that you'll do the right thing by them, you can relax a little and let your underlings take some of the pressure off of you by, for instance, letting them write your Privacy and Copyright Notification page in the belief that they'll take their responsibility seriously and not write humorous (or humorless) stuff that they figure no one will ever read anyway.

Christ Church New Brighton may capture implicit information from users who visit our Web site for aggregate statistical analysis and site customization (hah!). Actually, that last sentence has a huge structure problem. It reads as if people are visiting our site for the purpose of collecting aggregate statistical analysis and site customization information. Anyway, getting back to the point, implicit information is data that we can gather about the user without asking them. Importantly, aggregate statistical analysis means that Christ Church New Brighton reviews trends based on information as a whole, but does not do so in an effort to identify the individual identity of the visitor to its site. This is all boilerplate legalese that doesn't readily translate into English.

We also may solicit email for site feedback, business development, press inquiries, human resources inquiries, recipes, and blonde jokes. In select instances, this information may be shared with reputable third parties (priests, bartenders, psychiatrists). However, Christ Church New Brighton does not willfully disclose human resource information solicited from our Web site to third parties unless we've been drinking heavily or someone asks us for it. It doesn't really matter, technically, because as I stated earlier, we're too dumb to figure out how to collect and save information in such a way as to find it when we need it.

IP addresses may be logged to track a user's session. An IP address is the unique numerical identity of your computer ("IP" is computer-talk for "Icknack Paddywhack," which is a programming sequence that calls a bit of machine code that gives your dog a bone). When we "log" an IP address, it means that we whack your computer over the processor with a heavy piece of wood to render it woozy, and then we go through its wallet and read its IP address. Christ Church New Brighton also uses cookies in order to assist in aggregate statistical analysis and sometimes provide site customization based on anonymous session tracking. In other words, Christ Church New Brighton uses cookies to determine trends for users as a whole, but not as means to learn about your individual identity. Cookies, by themselves, cannot be used to determine the actual identity of users. On their own, they can be used to identify a computer, but not who is using that computer, what they are wearing at the time, or whether they prefer oatmeal or chocolate chip. Because of this, if Christ Church New Brighton customizes the site based on cookies, we won't know who you are unless you tell us. Who are you?

Christ Church New Brighton collects the visitor's domain name (e.g. whether the user is logged on from I-Worship-Satan.gov), referral data (e.g. we record the last URL a user visited prior to clicking to Christ Church New Brighton and then tell that user's mom where they've been), as well as browser and platform type (e.g., a Microsoft browser on a Macintosh platform, or a Firefox browser on a Eunichs platform, or perhaps even AOL on one of those cardboard prop computers you see in furniture stores). We also count, track, and aggregate the visitor's activity into our analysis of general traffic flows at our sites (e.g., tracking where traffic comes from, how traffic flows within Christ Church New Brighton, and how much of the traffic is pulled over by our troopers and ticketed for browsing while under the influence). When (and if) Christ Church New Brighton ever does present aggregated information to outside companies, no one would be able to identify you or contact you, because our handwriting is atrocious.

Christ Church New Brighton uses links throughout its web site to provide a visitor with the opportunity to run screaming for the safety of a normal web site and also to contact us via email for a variety of purposes (including business development, human resource inquires and general trivia questions). Christ Church New Brighton may file information from emails, review and discard the information, and share this information with third parties for their humor potential. Human resource information will not be shared with a third party without the express consent of the individual. Of course, since we do not collect individual names or contact information, we cannot obtain the necessary consent in the first place. This is becoming a real nuisance, because we have human resource information piling up all over our already messy office, making it immpossible to even find the shredder, let alone get rid of some of this stuff.

And finally, everything on this web site (EVERYTHING! Content, pictures, stupid text areas, EVERYTHING) is copyrighted by Christ Church New Brighton and may not be used without permission, except as commonly used in quotations and/or excerpts for review purposes, which will never happen. Who would quote this stuff? Anyone quoting this stuff has even more time on their hands than I do. And let's face it, if you want to steal stuff from this site, how am I gonna stop you? If you really, really want to use our stuff, email me and we'll figure something out. I'm a reasonable person. Besides, we have a lawyer on retainer who knows not only regular law but canon law as well. If he can't get you in regular court, he'll take possesion of your immortal soul and make it watch endless reruns of old "I Love Lucy" episodes until it begs him for sweet, peaceful oblivion. I'd actually be kind of flattered if anyone stole something from this web site, I think.